A few weeks ago, I was running late trying to get my oldest child to her afternoon art class. As I was buckling my kids into their carseats, I hurriedly asked them the same question I always ask when we leave our home.
“Alright everyone, what do we need to have before leaving the house?”
“Our epipens and safe snacks,” came the automatic reply.
It’s a question that I ask multiple times a day. It’s a question that I absolutely hate, but necessary nonetheless.
As I was driving, my daughter was uncharacteristically quiet. Glancing at her in the rearview mirror, I asked her if everything was okay.
She looked out the window and said, “Mom, my food allergies really bother me. Sometimes I forget they are there, but then sometimes I remember them when I can’t do something I want to do. We talk about having a good attitude, but I just can’t make myself feel good that I have food allergies.”
Ooooaf. I would have rather been punched in the gut than have my baby girl feel those things.
Five Thanksgivings have passed since she was born and diagnosed. Three Thanksgivings since my son’s birth and his subsequent food allergy diagnosis.
During those turns around the sun, we gave thanks for our blessings, navigated new medical issues, mourned the loss of loved ones, experienced personal growth, and rejoiced in the creation of new friendships.
Even with the good, those five years still felt like a lifetime.
If I’m being honest, I don’t naturally emanate a thankful heart during this time of year.
There feels like so much pressure from our American culture to only speak of good things and deny hard things at all costs. At least, that was often my experience growing up and in my young adult years.
But as a woman in my thirties, I find myself wishing that my children didn’t have to live with life-threatening food allergies that seem to impact so many facets of their lives.
Selfishly, I wish I didn’t have to constantly remind extended family about our safety rules around food every single time we get together. What a blessing it would be if they just remembered what my children need to stay safe around food instead of rolling their eyes and saying I’m difficult.
What would life be like for my children if I could feed them fast food on the go, or just show up to the birthday party without a care in the world as to what might be served?
Calling companies to inquire about manufacturing procedures, checking medicines, reading labels, and worrying about skin reactions to contact with food – I want to get rid of all of it.
I’ll never, ever be thankful for my children’s food allergies and the harm its caused in their lives. When others tell me to give thanks for our circumstances and to just look for the positive, I cringe as if those words caused actual physical pain.
That’s why I’ll never tell my children that they have to be thankful for their food allergies either.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for a massive pity party of constant “woe is me” mentality. But I’m also not going to teach my children that it’s okay for someone to dismiss hardships with a simple cliche of “find the good” or “be positive” when that hard thing hurts to the extent that it does.
Instead, I want to teach my children that we are incredibly complex souls that are capable of simultaneously holding space for both sorrow and thankfulness inside of ourselves.
Ever since that car ride that gave me insight into how my daughter was processing hardships in her life, I decided that our family needed to start practicing this daily.
We would name the hard and the good.
Right now, for my family, it sounds like this:
- “I’m not thankful for my food allergies when I go to a party, but I’m thankful that I’m learning the skill of speaking up for myself.”
- “I’m sad that food allergies feel scary sometimes, but I feel safer knowing that our family is a team and will learn together.”
- It’s disappointing that we did not get to eat ice cream from the ice cream truck, but I’m so happy that we get to make some at home and spend quality time together.”
- I’m sad that we have to read labels on food every time we eat, but I’m so excited we are learning to read big words and expanding our knowledge of what’s in our food.”
- “I dislike the pain I feel when someone says something rude about food allergies, but I’m thankful that it has helped me discern safe and unsafe words/behaviors.”
My hopes in naming both the hard and the good is that my children will live emotionally and mentally healthy lives.
I don’t want them to think they have to either be completely negative or completely positive. They can be mindful of their feelings and rest in a truthful balance that reflects their experiences of suffering and blessing.
And not just during Thanksgiving, but every day.
Thinking of you and your family this holiday week. We pray it is full of peace, safety, and gentle joy.💙
–Katie
What to Read Next, “Quick Guide to Talk About Food Allergies”
Leave a Reply