Food Allergy Mom

“You really are too emotional about their food allergies. Being a helicopter mom isn’t going to help them grow up well.”

That’s a nice comment for any mother to hear, isn’t it? *Insert eye roll.*

Thankfully, I don’t often hear judgments like this anymore. But I certainly did when my daughter was very young and my son was just a baby. Extended family and acquaintances inundated us with unsolicited opinions, comments, thoughts, and advice.

Looking back on those memories, I grieve for myself. I was a young mom, desperate to keep her babies safe from FOOD, of all things. For our family, food not only sustains life, but threatens life as well.

When both of my kids were diagnosed with life-threatening food allergies, I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do to keep my kids safe. I was looking for knowledge, guidance, support, and compassion. 

People that were supposed to love me and support me often invalidated, downplayed, or outright dismissed my experiences. 

Instead of uplifting me and encouraging me, many individuals unintentionally (and some intentionally) added more burdens to my already overloaded heart.

And it’s not just me.

Lauren and I love writing blog posts and interacting with other food allergy moms on our Instagram and Facebook pages. But we are often overwhelmed with the heart wrenching stories shared by those women. 

Because many of them also experience a lack of support, care, and validation. 

Moreover, they not only hear shame based comments, but they are charged with sheltering and overprotecting their children that have life-threatening medical needs. Some are even accused of lying and making it all up for attention. 

The injustice of those comments makes my eye twitch and my fists clench. 

In particular, one of the top comments many food allergy moms report hearing from others is that they are “too emotional” and intense about their children’s food allergies.

And sorry that I’m not sorry, but no one can convince me that someone spoke that statement with the best of intent. That comment demonstrates a lack of:

• tact
• emotional maturity
• empathy
• relational responsibility

Do you know what I would say to a food allergy mom that was expressing concern, grief, anger, or terror over the impact of living with food allergies?

I’d tell her:

“My heart hurts for everything you and your family are going through. I may not understand everything you are feeling, but I want to support you. It’s important to me that you know that you are not alone and that we will rally around you. I want you to see how beautifully fierce you are in the face of this hardship. You are a warrior mother and you are doing everything in your power to care for your child’s needs. Well done, sweet friend.”

It’s just not helpful to tell her that she’s acting too emotional about her child’s very real and very scary life-threatening medical needs.

Moreover, it will not help a food allergy mom to throw continual judgment or dismissiveness her way when conversing about her child’s food allergies. It accomplishes nothing.

It is helpful to process the grief and the fear with safe people that allow moms to feel upset. That positions her to begin healing and growing.

How My Family Handles These Comments Now

One of the best things my therapist has taught me is to name big emotions in order to tame them.

In the same way, we teach our kids that we don’t want to be controlled by our emotions. Instead, we want to welcome them by name. We want to see what they have to teach us about what’s happening in our lives and then begin to move forward.

For example, this could sound like:

• “I feel disappointed that my friend said this to me about food allergies. Let’s talk about what happened.”
• “I am excited and joyful that my teacher remembered my food allergies and asked how they could support me in class.”
• “I feel angry and betrayed that my favorite safe brand changed their ingredients.”
• “My chest feels tight and my stomach is flipping from this experience. I think I need to dig deeper into this to figure out what my body is telling me about this reaction.”

Indeed, living with life-threatening food allergies includes continual experiences that invoke really big emotions.

Consequently, we name them for what they are instead of stuffing them down inside of ourselves. The goal is to create an environment where we can process safely and begin to heal.

Furthermore, if people intentionally or unintentionally shame us for feeling intense emotions, we thank them for pointing out something in ourselves that is actually an incredibly courageous act.

“Thank you for noticing. Our family works hard to name and tame all big emotions.”

Because it takes more bravery to face huge emotions than it does to hide from them. And that act of courage deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated.

We know it’s tough.

Sometimes there are not many words that can comfort us in our times of struggle. At the same time we can feel comfort hearing that others have been where we currently find ourselves.

So we hope to encourage you that you are not alone on this journey, friend. We are in the company of literally millions of food allergy moms.

Overall, we hope this blog post imparted gentle hope and uplifted your heart, sweet momma. You are not too emotional or too intense; you deserve a safe place to be seen and heard.

-Katie

What to Read Next, “Food Allergy Grief is a Real Thing”